A total solar eclipse—a sight not many get to experience in their lifetime. My wife was super excited several years ago when she could experience one on her birthday. She packed the kids into the van and drove to the closest place where she could experience a full eclipse. She was not let down as she and the children experienced a unique celestial event.

A solar eclipse occurs when the moon passes in front of the Sun, obscuring its light and casting that portion of the earth in shadow. When the full eclipse happened, my wife reported that the temperature dropped significantly. She said it was like twilight at mid-day. They could no longer see the light that should have been shining down on them.

Our individual perspectives and worldviews can have this same effect on us as the moon had on the earth during the eclipse. All of us have biases. Some of them we are aware of, most we are not. One of our greatest biases is our own perspective of life and how we think things should be. This bias tends to be a major block in our ability to have empathy for others.

I know I am particularly vulnerable to this “eclipse bias” with my own children. I allow my own view of how they should be to block me from seeing and understanding how they are. For example, my personality is calm, quiet, and introverted. I like for things to be peaceful and predictable. My style is to think through things carefully before I speak. My bias is that this is the right way. This bias is often like a big moon blocking the beautiful light of the sun and preventing me from seeing my child in their full glory. Instead, from my darkened view, I am annoyed, irritable, and judgemental when they are not behaving in the way I want them to behave… which is the manner that is easy and comfortable for me. 

The sad thing about this is that it blocks me from having true empathy and understanding for them. I am too busy staying stuck in a rigid mindset (eclipse bias) to notice what I am missing. I think we all do this at times with the people in our lives, whether they be friends, family, co-workers, or random citizens out and about. It is probably the main reason for contention and war. It stops us from having the empathy others (and we) need to heal and feel loved.

So, how do we overcome our eclipse biases?

• Acknowledge that you have them – It won’t do us any good to pretend they don’t exist. This is a human problem. If you are a human, then you have an eclipse bias (or many).

• Identify what they are – This is where we need to get specific. As noted in my example above, the clarity of specificity allows me to see the problem more clearly… and to realize that I am part of the problem.

• Get outside of yourself – Empathy is a creative process. You can’t be creative doing the same thing or seeing things the same way. Take yourself out of the equation. This is really hard. You will be uncomfortable as you try something different. It will stretch you and you will be tempted to go back to your old reactions. Your distress tolerance will need to grow. Yet selflessness is an integral ingredient to empathy.

• See yourself from someone else’s perspective – Put yourself in their shoes. Don’t try to change the path they are walking. Just imagine what it is like to be them without plugging your own perspective and judgment into the equation. Imagine you are an actor assigned to play the role of this person. Get deep into the role to really understand them.

• Exercise compassion and flexibility – Again, this is where you have to set aside your own wants and attend to their needs. Offer them compassion and understanding. Validate their experience and perspective. Get flexible and be willing to shift your perspective and approach. You will be amazed at how changing your approach will shift their response and actions.

Let’s all begin the New Year with a fresh, unbiased look at the people around us, and let the world be filled with love.