I had a dream last night that I was angry with a loved one because of a perpetual pattern of not listening to what myself and others were trying to communicate to them. My frustration was palpable, and in the dream, it resulted in me shouting and pointing my finger as I expressed these emotions. Interestingly, this person responded to my fervor calmly and serenely (and out of character) with the statement, “You don’t have to yell at me.”

I remember being frustrated with this calm response because this person had conveniently been ignoring me earlier. My response? 

“Yes, I have to yell so you can hear me.” 

Now, keep in mind that this loved one is mostly deaf and has hearing aids to provide some level of hearing at all. I was totally justified in raising my voice. He legitimately can’t hear me unless I speak loudly. It was at this point that I woke from my dream. The emotion was still poignant, though my thinking was more rational. Pondering this dream, I have thought about the difference between hearing and listening.

I heard him tell me that I didn’t need to yell at him. However, I wasn’t listening. I used his words to bolster my argument instead of trying to understand. I was stuck on my agenda. And as I pondered this in my waking hours, I realized something. I was wrong. I didn’t need to yell at him. 

There is a difference between increasing the volume of one’s voice and yelling. I wasn’t just increasing my volume. I was yelling. I was yelling because I was angry and frustrated. I was yelling because I was thinking about myself… not about him.

How often do we fail to really listen when communicating? It happens more than we are willing to admit. This is why so many relationships struggle. It is the source of much of our conflict. NOT listening is rooted in selfishness. A rigidity to our own perspective.

To fix this, we need to start with an open heart and mind (not always an easy task). You have to be willing to surrender your own agenda. Then, as Stephen Covey describes in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, we must first seek to understand and then to be understood. This seeking to understand cannot be a clever facade. It must be grounded in humility.

I work as a therapist helping young men and their families work through conflict and unhealthy dynamics. I do a lot of coaching around better listening and the process of healthy communication. While teaching the skill of reflective listening, I often see families employ subtle strategies that are only dressed in seeking to understand but are inwardly attempts to listen to what the other is saying, only to be able to disprove their point.

This isn’t listening either. It is arguing. There is typically no attempt to really understand. It is just trying to build a stronger case as to why the other is wrong. It perpetuates the conflict and escalates frustration.

When we truly listen to someone, we are doing more than just hearing the right words. We are wanting to understand the meaning, context, and emotions of their words. We also don’t just assume we heard them correctly. We reflect back to them what we heard, checking to make sure we heard correctly. We put ourselves in their shoes and express empathy. We try to understand their needs and purpose through clarifying questions. And then, and only then, have we really listened.

There is a great power that comes from this approach. The pattern is this:

• Set your own agenda aside
• Seek to understand before being understood
• Check for accuracy by repeating back in your own words what you are understanding
• Understand the meaning, context, and emotions of the speaker
• Gain empathy by putting yourself in their shoes
• Ask clarifying questions

Imagine a time when someone has genuinely taken the time to listen to you without interjecting their own thoughts and interpretations, or even accusations. Remember the impact on your heart and how you felt towards that person. How did it change your perspective and your ability to really listen back?

In my dream, I was so stuck on my own agenda that I couldn’t really hear what my loved one was trying to say to me. I didn’t want to consider a different approach. This mentality made me incapable of really listening.

This week, take the time to slow down and really listen to someone. See how they respond. Pay attention to how it affects your relationship and effectiveness with them. My guess is that you will find yourself happier and more satisfied with your relationships.