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This last week I made my first attempt at oil painting. For some reason, it is one artistic medium that has always scared me. It’s intimidating. However, as I work toward publishing my first book, I need good book cover art. So, I got out the paints I purchased years ago and stepped into my fear.

What I didn’t factor into this process was that oil paint doesn’t really dry (it does, but it takes forever). I left my palette in my room on the window sill thinking I would come back to it later.

Later came. I walked into my room several hours later to find alizarin crimson handprints smeared on my window sill and bedding.

Oil paint doesn’t come out of bedding. Even with some good mineral spirits. It also doesn’t come off hands easily.

In full detective mode, I called my seven-year-old to my room and inspected her hands. Clean. And she looked genuinely shocked by the paint on my bed.

Next was my nine-year-old. I asked to see his hands. Literally caught red-handed. The big red swath on his pants was a pretty good indicator as well. He didn’t deny his involvement in the caper. Frustrations were expressed as I desperately tried to clean the bed with a paper towel and fresh mineral spirits. My son watched wide-eyed, getting a first-hand education in the nature of oil paint.

Then came the consequence. My wife calmly informed him that because of his actions he wasn’t going to be able to stay up and watch a show that night and that he would need to shower and go to bed instead.

You would have thought his best friend had died. He dropped to his knees, tears erupting from his eyes.

“What!?” he exclaimed through sobs. “Why do you hate me?”

“Buddy, we don’t hate you,” my wife and I reassured.

“If you loved me you would forgive me and let me watch the show.”

We have seen this extreme mindset from him before. All or nothing, black and white. If I don’t get what I want, it must mean that you hate me. We unsuccessfully tried to convince him that while we did forgive him for his actions, that didn’t mean his consequence was expunged from the record. We love him too much to not let him learn from his mistakes.

The challenge with my son’s mindset at this moment is that it planted him firmly in the victim role. “Others have done something to me.” His world seem to come crashing to an end and there was no hope or way out. It wasn’t just a lost show, it was an irrational belief that he was unloved and despised by his parents.

Maybe he was overly tired. Maybe it was manipulative. Either way, it creates a dangerous way of thinking about himself and the world around him. From the outside, we can see this as a child being childish in a moment of disappointment. However, we all can tend to take on a similarly dangerous mindset in our moments of disappointment (read: pain, heartache, trauma, etc.)

The Victim Mindset

While victims of traumatic incidents or circumstances are truly victims, The victim mindset is how we think about ourselves and the world around us because of the trauma. It is dangerous because it keeps us a victim to the trauma. It is a trap. Like a tar pit, this mentality prevents the victim from ever escaping such an awful circumstance. A person with a victim mindset not only views things as happening to them, but they also may use their victimhood to excuse themselves from doing hard things.

The victim mindset says, “bad things will keep happening to me. I don’t have any control over this. People (or the world) are out to get me. Nothing I do can change this, so why even try?”

Essentially, this way of thinking actually creates more trauma. As I discussed in my last post, what really makes a traumatic event traumatic is how we choose to interpret it. Any event becomes traumatic if we don’t believe we have any control or ability to change our circumstances. If our worldview stays stuck in the image that bad things will continue to rain down on our life, we will fail to see the sunshine through the clouds. In that sense of powerlessness, we resign ourselves to getting soaked and leave our umbrella at home.

The Need to be Seen

I have caught myself sliding into this mindset many times. It is a subtle slope into hopelessness. Those who struggle with depression and anxiety may feel like they are wearing rollerskates on that hill.

As I reflect on my own experience and why I tend towards the victim mindset, I think it lies firmly in the need to be seen. We all need an empathetic witness. We need others to see and acknowledge our pain, struggle, trial, or whatever we are going through. It is a deep need.

It is that same need that each child has to be held, supported, and protected. When we grow up, the need doesn’t go away. That little child is still within us. It still craves the comfort of security and belonging. We all need to know we are important to someone in some way. 

When we don’t feel seen, or in other words—cared about, our healthy spirit withers. We then tend to express that need in a variety of unhealthy or unsuccessful ways.

Sympathy vs. Empathy

Sympathy and Empathy are two terms that are often mistakenly used interchangeably. Sometimes, when we are hurting, we want others to sympathize with us. However, what we need is empathy. So what is the difference between sympathy and empathy?

Sympathy tends to involve feeling sorry for someone. It is rooted in judgment through one’s own perspective. It creates pity as it exclaims, “Poor you.” While we may feel at times that this is what we want, unfortunately, this approach will keep us securely planted in the victim mindset. 

Empathy, however, takes a different approach. Empathy is free from judgment. It seeks to understand—to feel what another is feeling and why they might be feeling that way. Empathy is attentive to more than just expressed words. It stays present with the non-verbals, the implied messages, the root causes. It sits with the sufferer, helping them along. It says, “This must be hard.”

Sympathy sees a person on the surface. Empathy rests with the whole person. In order to truly feel seen, we need the longer-lasting balm of empathy instead of the short-term relief that may come from sympathy.

Self-Compassion

However, to fully heal, we cannot only rely on empathy from others. Others aren’t always reliable. Some trauma sufferers’ real trauma is the lack of empathy and compassion from others. 

A major component of getting out of the victim mindset and filling the need to be seen is by treating yourself with compassion. The way we talk to and treat ourselves is so important. Imagine for a moment the things you say to yourself in your down moments. This might sound something like, “I’m so stupid.” Or, “No one will ever love me.”

Now, imagine one of your closest loved ones. Picture them going through something incredibly difficult. Can you imagine yourself saying your negative self-talk to them? How would they react? 

Often, the way we speak to ourselves is abusive. We would never treat someone else that way. It would be traumatizing. We need to treat ourselves with compassion—with forgiveness and encouragement.

This sounds like, “Everyone makes mistakes. I am worthy of love. If I keep trying, I will get better at this.”

See yourself for the beautiful human being that you are.

The Serenity Prayer

A powerful tool used in Alcoholics Anonymous is the Serenity Prayer. This prayer helps us to categorize what we have control of and how to react to what we don’t. Here is the prayer:

God, 

Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The Courage to change the things I can,

And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Circle of Control Vs. Circle of Influence

An important step to getting out of the victim mindset is recognizing what is in your control, as well as what is out of your control. When we focus our energy on the things that are out of our control, we are more likely to stay in the victim mindset. Conversely, when we place our attention on what is in our control, we become an agent—someone who has the ability to choose and direct their life.

In this diagram, we see three circles: the circle of control, the circle of influence, and the circle of concern. The circle of control (green) is what we have control of in our life. Some examples of this are:

The circle of influence (yellow) is the things that, while we might not have direct control, we can influence. Examples of this include:

The circle of concern (red) is the things that we don’t have any control over. Some examples are:

The more we understand the difference between each of these circles in our lives, the more clarity we have around our power and control. The victim mindset is centered on the sense that you don’t have control in your life. However, when we can really see that two of these circles include what we CAN do, that should be our focus.

One caution: we must also see that there is a big difference between the circle of control and the circle of influence. If we think we can control the things in the circle of influence, we will continue to remain in the victim mindset. This is because these things still rely on others’ agency. We cannot control what others do. We can only control ourselves.

For instance, one of the examples I used in the circle of influence was what shows up on your social media feed. Some might say, “You can’t control that.” To them, I say, “You’re right.” However, you can directly influence it. Who you follow and what you search will have a great impact on what ends up there. If you are struggling with the content on your feed, unfollow those people or companies. Take control of what you CAN do.

Radical Acceptance

Another key to healing from our trauma is developing the skill of Radical Acceptance. Many books and articles have been written teaching about this concept. Let me summarize the idea as simply as I can.

Our current situation is a result of the many choices that we and others have made. All of those choices are in the past and we have no power whatsoever to change the past. When we accept our present situation in this light, we are empowered to make choices in the present that can alter the direction of our future.

With this mindset, we stop fretting over what has happened to us and start paying attention to what we can do differently. We don’t get stuck in the trap of wanting to change the past in order to improve the present.

Do What You CAN Instead Of Focusing On What You CAN’T

Most people are surprised when they start to realize all the things that they can control. Sometimes this is because they have spent a lifetime trying to control what is out of their control.

For example, if I spend time trying to control other people’s reactions to what I say and do, I might allow something that is out of my control to prevent me from doing or saying something that is in my control.

When we are more conscientious of doing the things that are in our control, we start to get our power back. We realize that while we may have been a victim, we don’t need to continue to be a victim.

Be proactive. Have courage. Do what you can instead of wasting time and energy on the things you can’t control. Take the power back in your life.

Remember, don’t let your past define your present. You have the power to shed the victim mindset and live a life unshackled from your trauma. Consistently remind yourself of these steps:

You are capable of so much. When you let go of the victim mindset, you will feel a sense of freedom, clarity, and control in your life. You will be able to move on from your trauma.

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