As a father of four, I am the *lucky* observer of children arguing and making a big deal out of a small issue. And if I am completely honest with myself, I too, fall into the same trap– making a mountain out of a molehill. 

This pattern of communication, despite its maddening ineffectiveness, is far more common than any of us would like to admit. A major reason for this is that we grant way more power to what we are talking about instead of how we talk about it. As the late Mae West said:

“It’s not what you say, but how you say it!”

As a family therapist, I see the importance of this truth on a regular basis. Parents and children all come to the table with their own agendas, emotional triggers, world-views, and ego-defense mechanisms. If left unchecked, it can often turn into a veritable battleground. Arguments abound and nobody really ends up listening to each other. Family members leave each other more frustrated and committed to maintaining their unhealthy patterns of rigidity and pride.

The principle I most commonly teach families (or any other relationship in conflict) is Process Over Content. People are often shocked when I tell them, “What you’re talking about matters way less than the way you talk about it.” We can make a really small issue into a big one if we talk about it in the wrong way. However, we could also address a really BIG problem, and if we use the right process of communication, it will quickly become a small problem.

So, what is the right process?

Let’s start by figuring out what makes each of us more receptive to hearing and considering another perspective. Most people really want to feel heard and validated– to know that their opinion or perspective has value. When we feel rejected or attacked, our most common response is to be defensive, and then possibly go on the attack ourselves. We then engage in an escalating volley of defending and attacking without ever really reaching the point of understanding.

Entering a conversation with what Stephen Covey calls a “Win/Lose” mindset will rarely if ever result in a peaceful, unifying solution. Two rigid-minded people will not engage in flexible thinking or intercourse. When we have that “Win/Lose” mentality, we tend to dehumanize or objectify the other person. So, even if we are discussing something of no significance, we will escalate the conversation with our need to be right.

Therefore, our first step is to make sure we have the right Way of Being (as the Arbinger Institute calls it). This requires us to see the other person as a human, like ourselves. Then we engage with a Win/Win mindset. This means that we are not just thinking about what would be a win for ourselves, but we also enter the conversation considering and seeking to understand what would be a win for the other person. Through this way of thinking, we start the conversation by working together toward a common goal.

Once we have the right mindset, we are ready to engage in the right process. 

As stated in a previous post, we start by seeking to understand before being understood. This requires us to Listen, Reflect, and Validate the other person. This does not mean we have to believe or even tell the other person that they are “right”, it just means that we take the time to consider the world from their perspective and understand how they might feel in that context.

Once we, and the other person, feel that we have understood their perspective, then can we share our perspective. We must be conscious as we do this to not attack or belittle the other person. We own our thoughts and emotions without blame. 

We don’t say, “You make me feel…”

Instead, we say, “I feel _____ when…”

Taking this ownership for our thoughts, emotions and actions allows us to see our choices more clearly. It empowers us to engage in a different internal, and external dialogue. We are focused on what is in our control and not what is out of our control.

How often do we get stuck trying to change the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others? When we do, it is a waste of our energy. We cannot control those things. We can only control our own. And when we really take the time to control our own thoughts, feelings, and actions, we have more power to influence others. We are less reactive and less likely to turn something small into a big argument. We are measured and thoughtful in our responses.

So, in review, the process is this:

• Start with the right Way of Being
• Seek to understand before being understood
• Listen, Reflect, and Validate
• Take ownership of your own thoughts, feelings, and actions

You can see now why the process is more important than the content. That isn’t to say that the content isn’t important. In fact, the more important the content, the greater emphasis we must place on the process we take to discuss it.

Make your conversations powerful and effective by being focused on your process of communication.