A friend recently reached out to me wanting to talk about the trauma she experiences with her family dynamic. She wanted some support and another perspective as she tries to navigate her situation. I was happy to oblige as social support is such a critical element in trauma healing.

As she told me her story I was shocked by the level of psychological abuse and gaslighting she was receiving at the hand of her siblings. Her narcissistic sibling needed control and was using charm and charisma to convince others that she was psychologically unstable and unfit to care for their aging father. It was painful to hear the accusations made against her. The lengths her siblings went to discredit her and to strip her power and ability to be with and care for her father were heartbreaking. 

Expressing empathy and compassion for her situation didn’t feel adequate. We discussed different strategies on how to keep herself safe, both physically and psychologically. I was impressed by the many things she was already doing to shore herself up against the barrage of negativity and deception being thrown at her. She was keeping her self-talk in check, and she was learning new and better ways to hold her boundaries.

This discussion got me thinking—how can we survive and thrive in the face of the many kinds of trauma we might face in our lives?

Building Your Resilience Toolbelt

Those who know me well know I like Batman. One of the great things about the Caped Crusader is his utility belt. That guy had an answer for everything in that thing. Getting attached by sharks? Pull out your trusty Shark Repellant.

We all need something similar at the ready. There are so many ways life can throw us for a loop, and the more tools we have at our disposal to manage the challenges, the more stable we will become.

So what tools should be a staple on our emotional resilience toolbelt? Let’s take a look at 5 important ones:

Movement & Exercise

Regular exercise has repeatedly been shown in research to be a major boost to our emotional health. There are many reasons for this, though one of them may simply be that when we are stationary for long periods of time, we tend to ruminate and over-think. We get stuck in our heads. Exercise helps us to process our emotions and experiences with positive chemicals in our bodies and brains. We think more clearly and efficiently. Additionally, when our bodies are healthier we are more adept at handling stress and emotions.

Keep in mind that trauma is stored in our bodies. Bessel van der Kolk speaks at length about this in his book, The Body Keeps The Score. We often hold the energy of stress and trauma instead of working through it and releasing it. Movement through exercise and yoga allows our body to access and begin to recover and heal.

Exercise for 30 minutes each day is recommended. This can be broken up into smaller periods. Several 10 minute periods of exercise can be effective as well. To increase the power of movement and exercise, add a mindfulness practice into the mix. Focus on a part of your body and how it is feeling. Notice your breath. Focus on your surroundings and the beauty of nature as you go on a walk.

Social Connection

One of the worst things you can do when working through trauma of any sort is to try to do it all by yourself. Research shows that social connection is one of the most important elements of resilience. In the longest longitudinal study, Harvard scientists have tracked the lives of men for 80 years to understand the factors that lead to a happy life. One of the key findings was that close relationships, more than wealth or prestige, kept people happy throughout their lives. Watch [THIS] TED Talk on the research.

Social connection has many benefits. It allows us to share the burden of our emotions in a way that increases our capacity to handle challenges. We all need to feel understood. It can remove the feelings of isolation we experience when we are the victims of trauma. It can also help us to see another perspective. 

Service (Have A Purpose)

A great way to work through the hardship of our trauma is to give purpose to the pain. If we stay stuck in the victim mindset, we can sink deeper into the effects of the traumatic event. We must learn to get outside of ourselves. It doesn’t have to be big, but reaching out really helps.

Service is a powerful healer. I have a brother and sister-in-law who lost their little girl when she was just four. It was so traumatic in many ways for them—and the rest of the family. One of the things they have done to help them in their healing was to have a day of service on her birthday as well as the day she died. Hundreds get involved every year and post their acts of service on social media.

Many war veterans get involved in causes to help them work through their trauma. Giving purpose to our trauma is a critical tool for our Emotional Resilience Toolbelt.

Mindfulness Meditation

Over the past couple of decades, the western world has begun to embrace the practice of mindfulness. This is critical in a culture that is so fast-paced and over-scheduled. Healing requires the full presence of mind and body, and distraction impairs our ability to do so. Numbing ourselves to our pain and discomfort only exacerbates and perpetuates it. It is only through sitting in our emotions mindfully, without judgment, that we can actually move past it.

Mindfulness is the practice of being objectively present and attentive to the here and now. It is to notice our sensations, thoughts, and emotions without being controlled by them. We can actually learn to be grounded by them when we don’t let them draw us into the past or future.

A simple mindfulness exercise can be done by just attending to our breath. Sit somewhere that you can be undisturbed for a moment. Then, take a few slow, purposeful breaths. With each one, notice how the air feels going in, and how it feels going out. Allow your focus to be entirely upon that sensation. When you notice your thoughts drawing you out of that focus, note the thought and then bring your attention back to your breath.

One or two minutes of this each day can really help you to be present and resilient with your emotions. There are many apps out there that can help you with this (Headspace, Calm, Insight Timer, etc.)

Positive Self-Talk

It is easy to understand and notice that the way others talk to us has a profound impact on the way we see ourselves. These words shape our beliefs of our world, our place and value within it, and how capable we think we are.

What we often pay less attention to is how the way we speak to ourselves has the same power—and we talk to ourselves more often.

Therefore, to increase our emotional resilience, we need to shape our self-talk to reflect a positive, compassionate view of ourselves. Pay more attention to the way you speak to yourself when you make a mistake. Would you ever speak that way to a friend or a child when they make a mistake?

We all need encouragement and positivity to get through hard things. Learn to be that for yourself. Be intentional with your self-talk.

Self-Care and Self-Talk (Proactive and Reactive)

As we are more conscious of the way we treat ourselves we naturally develop healthier patterns of self-care and self-talk. There are a couple of ways we can approach this: proactively, and reactively.

Reactive self-care and self-talk is how we treat ourselves after a challenge. We are responding to an event. This is a critical time to be mindful of our response. We can intensify a situation or strengthen our foundation of resilience and well-being. 

For example, if someone is making false, but harsh and demeaning accusations against us this is a critical time to really increase our positive talk to ourselves. We need to counteract the negativity entering our consciousness with an infusion of meaningful affirmations. Additionally, surrounding ourselves with positive people who are kind will do much to help us feel more secure. You might do some yoga, go to the gym, or on a run/brisk walk to fill your body with endorphins to help you process your feelings in a healthy way.

Keep in mind, self-care is NOT going shopping and eating tasty foods. While those things might feel great in the moment, sometimes they serve as better distractions from the problem and can keep us from addressing the problems. They can become addictive and reduce our ability to handle the challenges we face.

Proactive self-care and self-talk is our daily habits before a challenge. This action is just as critical. It builds a foundation of strength to draw upon when things get hard. It is like developing a deep savings account we can draw from in times of emergency.

Our day-to-day self-talk must be the language that reflects the person we want to become. If we want to be resilient people, we must tell ourselves things that build us up into that person. 

“I can do hard things.” 

“I am cared about by myself and others.” 

“I am strong.”

We develop healthy habits. We exercise regularly. We take time for quiet meditation and reflection. We develop and foster positive relationships. We eat healthy foods. All of these things provide us with the reserves, skills, and resources to be able to handle the trials that come our way.

You Can Do This

When things get hard and overwhelming we may be tempted to give in—to surrender ground in our mental health battle. We may be tempted to believe the negativity being thrown at us.

But I say, DON’T! You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are worth standing up for. You are capable of handling hard things. 

Trials are a time that, if we harness the skills of emotional resilience, actually drive us forward into a stronger, more capable person.