Anger bubbled up from somewhere deep inside me. It was like magma being pushed to the surface from the core, and I felt the heat of it spread through my body. It’s been over twenty years, I thought. How could this possibly elicit this much of an emotional response now?
I was at an EMDR training and as part of the learning, I was doing some of my own personal work. I had selected a memory from my adolescence of an intense interaction with a loved one who had been unnecessarily physical with me. I had been hurt and embarrassed, but the overwhelming emotion was anger.
I wanted to fight back.
Whenever I reflected on that situation I wanted to fight and hurt that person. I wanted to feel powerful and in control.
Emotions and desires like these are not uncommon when we have had traumatic experiences. They eat away at us, influencing the way we interact with others. The pent-up emotion and beliefs are toxic to our mental and emotional well-being.
I had a powerful experience in that training. It transformed a perspective deep inside me. It came as I sat with my anger, open to the intensity of my emotion. As I processed my experience with deep vulnerability, tears streamed down my face. I was flooded with compassion for myself, and interestingly, for my loved one. My mind opened up to a much broader perspective—a perspective I never could have seen when I was a mere fifteen-year-old.
As I opened myself to this new emotion, my anger was washed away. Love filled my heart as I felt deep healing change me. I left the training and immediately called this loved one. After giving some context for why I was calling, I said, “I forgive you.”
There is so much power in those words: I forgive you.
More than anything, this facilitated my healing. It released me from a burden I had been carrying for over two decades. I needed to forgive for my sake.
How Do We Forgive Those Who Hurt Us?
Forgiveness does not come easy. There are many reasons why we may feel that forgiving is unwise or even unsafe. I’ve wrestled with those thoughts and feelings and worked with others who felt like they could never forgive. What I found in myself and others is that the hesitancy or refusal is rooted in thinking errors—false beliefs or worldviews.
These beliefs prevent us from healing because we believe they keep us safe. Our trauma urges us to prevent any further pain. To grow, we need to take a closer look at the thinking errors that prevent healing. That can be hard to do on our own and may require the help of a mental health professional.
Forgiving isn’t excusing other’s behavior or abandoning boundaries
The most common thinking error that comes up when working through trauma is the belief that if I forgive the person who hurt me, then I’m telling them that what they did was OK. This is a real challenge. I think is because of the language we use when people apologize to us.
I cringe whenever I hear someone respond to an apology with, “That’s OK.”
Why do we tell someone what they did was OK? It isn’t OK. I have worked hard to train my children to respond to apologies differently. I had a proud dad moment with this last weekend. My younger son had hit his older sister when he got upset with her. After he and I talked about his actions, I strongly encouraged him to apologize to his sister (read: you don’t get to go out to eat with us if you don’t).
After a couple of minutes of thinking through what he would do, he arrived back on the scene, humbled and ready to apologize.
“Sorry I hit you,” he said.
“I forgive you,” she responded. I FORGIVE YOU. Not “That’s OK.”
I was proud of her for that response. Proud, because what my son had done to her was certainly NOT OK. By forgiving him she held a position of power. Forgiveness was a gift only she could give. It was powerful because it maintains the message that his actions were not OK.
You don’t have to forgive something that is OK. The very nature of forgiving is saying that what happened is not OK.
We also need to understand that by forgiving someone we aren’t abandoning our boundaries for the future. We aren’t putting our shields down and opening ourselves up to future attacks. No, forgiveness is a time to reinforce boundaries.
A victim of sexual abuse should not forgive someone and then trust them again. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I trust you now. When we forgive, it is followed by the reinforcement of a boundary. For the victim, this may sound like, “I forgive you, and I won’t be around you anymore.”
Think clearly about what your boundaries need to be to keep yourself safe—before you forgive.
The oil of anger…
Often, we think that holding on to our anger and hurt is a way to inflict punishment upon the person who hurt us. We think that by forgiving someone we let them off the hook. Years ago I heard a short poem that resonated with me.
The oil of anger hurts more the vessel in which it is stored
Than that over which it is poured.
I have found this to be profoundly true. The other person can move forward and live their life while we are stuck with a poisonous emotion burning away at our insides. The anger only hurts ourselves.
A gift to yourself
When we don’t forgive—when we hold on to our anger and resentment, we are giving our power and control to the person who hurt us. In effect, we are saying, “I’m giving you precious real estate in my mind to affect my thoughts and emotions. You can stay there rent-free to continue hurting me.” The strange thing is that they typically don’t even know we are doing this. They aren’t thinking about us.
Forgiveness is first, and foremost, a gift to yourself. It is the gift to keep your power. A gift to no longer let that person or event occupy valuable space in your mind. It is a step to free yourself from the ongoing pain of trauma.
How Do We Forgive Ourselves?
Many years ago I got involved in a romantic relationship that progressed very quickly into an engagement. I was young and maybe a bit too eager for marriage. I didn’t give the relationship the appropriate time to grow and mature and be tested for compatibility.
As a result, I started to experience intense anxiety about the relationship. It would fluctuate significantly from everything being great, to curling up in my bed unable to find relief from the tension, worry, and panic.
I felt stuck. I knew the relationship wasn’t right, but I worried about all the people it would affect if I broke off the engagement. Eventually, about a month before we were to be married, I mustered up the courage to break it off.
She was devastated. I felt terrible for how I had hurt her. I felt like all eyes were on me for what I had done to her. I judged myself harshly for being immature to initiate an engagement so quickly. I beat myself up for months thinking I deserved it because of my mistake.
My self-talk pushed me into a depression that fueled more anxiety. I was in a self-inflicted trap.
Then I found out that she was dating someone again a few months after I had ended our relationship. I was mad. Mad for beating myself up. It was one of those situations that I wasn’t sure if should laugh or go break something.
Fortunately, I realized this wasn’t a healthy track for me. I saw quickly the need to forgive her, not because she needed to be forgiven for moving on, but because I had let that action hurt me. But more importantly, I realized I needed to forgive myself.
I knelt that night in meditation and prayer seeking help to forgive. The forgiveness to her came quickly and I felt the burden being lifted off my shoulders.
The forgiveness for myself came much slower.
Loving Self-Compassion
For some reason, forgiving ourselves is much harder. We tell ourselves, “I should have known better. It’s my fault. There must be something wrong with me.”
I criticized and judged myself for my choices. I blamed myself for my anxiety and depression, lost time and happiness. I deemed myself unworthy.
And without realizing it, I had placed myself voluntarily in a prison of abusive self-talk.
It took me years to move on and fully forgive myself for my mistakes. Forgiveness happened when I accepted the past without trying to change it and granted myself the compassion to move forward as a new and better person. I had to stop trying to change what was out of my control. I recognized the power I had to change what was in my control. I stopped trying to imagine a life for myself in which I hadn’t gotten into that relationship.
Self-compassion has freed me to continue to love myself. It allows me to be who I am now instead of being stuck in the past.
Recognize False Responsibility
For many trauma survivors, there is a tendency to take on the responsibility for the actions of others. I have worked with sexual abuse victims that tell themselves it was their fault. For some, the revelation that it wasn’t is life-changing.
Our tendency to take on false responsibility is because we think we have more control than we do. Mentally, we replay the past and try to find any possible way to eliminate the source of our pain. It’s hard to accept powerlessness—hard to believe that others could willingly do such awful things to us.
Let go of that responsibility. It isn’t yours to hold. It isn’t your fault. Give yourself the gift of compassion.
Your Future and Past Selves
Your future self is so much better and wiser than you are now. He/she has developed through experiences, intentional learning, and hard work. Looking back, your future self sees you with understanding and appreciation for the road you are about to travel because it is a wonderful measurement of how far they have come.
Have that same kindness to your past self. Whenever we forgive ourselves, we forgive someone different than who we are now because we are always changing and growing. Look back on your past and stop judging that person for not knowing or acting on the wisdom you now have. You wouldn’t get mad at a third grader for not being able to handle high school material.
See your past as a younger version of you and forgive them openly. Your past self needs all the compassion it can get, and you will be the recipient. Your ability to grow into that amazing future self depends on being forgiven—moving on from the past instead of being held back by it.
Forgiveness Is Always A Gift To Yourself
Whether we are forgiving ourselves or others, the greatest beneficiary is YOU. To receive that gift, remember the following points:
- Forgiveness is NOT excusing behavior
- Forgiveness is a time to reinforce boundaries, not abandon them
- Holding on to anger hurts you more than anyone else
- Have compassion for your former self—they didn’t know what you know now
- Don’t take responsibility for other’s actions
You are worth it. Your future self will thank you for the work you do right now to heal and help others as well. Let go of the burdens of anger, resentment, and false guilt. Forgive and feel the lightness of spirit that is the natural result.
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This post is the fourth in a series exploring healing from trauma. Read the other three by clicking on the links below:
Building the Framework of Healing